BLONDE JOKES:

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ...."

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: 'What are these guys in the big suits doing?'

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a verbal message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, 'Why, certainly!' and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

'WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES! THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND!'

IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her Father cussed her.


'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'

2008 REPUBLICAN CONVENTION AGENDA

6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance to George W. Bush
6:35 PM Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights
6:45 PM Salute to the Project for the New American Century
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"
7:30 PM Announcement: Mark Foley Was a Closet Democrat
7:35 PM Trent Lott - "Re-Segregation in the 21st Century"
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children
8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future
9:00 PM Dennis Hastert leads discussion: How to Shirk Responsibility and Get Away with It
9:05 PM Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be L eaders"
9:10 PM EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second Prayer led by Pat Robertson
10:15 PM Karl Rove Lecture: How to Commit Perjury and Obstruction of Justice and Get Away with It
10:35 PM George W. Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt
10:45 PM GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, Colin Powell, Condoleeza Rice and Alberto Gonzales
10:46 PM Ann Coulter's Tribute "Joe McCarthy, Great American Patriot"
10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy
11:10 PM Dick Cheney leads discussion: How to Shoot People, Cover It Up, and Get Away with It
11:20 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 PM Blame Bill Clinton
11:40 PM Twice-Divorced Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"
11:41 PM Announceme nt: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore
11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
12:00 PM Nomination of GW Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

As long as you're on a roll with blonde jokes:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7780916420567729697

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store & buy a pair of men's used size
14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns
& Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
magazines.

4. Leave a note on door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke & Slim, I went for more
ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman
this morning & messed him up real bad.
I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to
tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all 4 of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.
"Cooter"

84 yr old man told me this one:

2 guys go fishing from a boat,
1st guy catches lots of fish from the right side of the boat, 2nd guy catches none from the left.
Next day the 1st guy catches lots of fish from the left side of the boat and 2nd guy catches none from the right.
Before fishing another day, guy #2 says to guy #1: How you catcha so many fishes and I catcha none?
Guy #1 says: Well, on the days I wake up and my lady is sleeping on her right side... I fish off right side of boat and catch lots of fish.
He goes on to say: On days I awake and she is on her left side I fish off the left and catch lots of fish.

Guy #2 sighs and says: What about the days that you wake up and she is on neither side but instead she's on her back???




Guy #1 said: Oh, we do not go fishing on those days....

Adam and Eve are lounging around the Garden of Eden and God Almighty shows up. "What's up, my children?" he asks. "Oh, nothing, Lord. Quite frankly, I'm bored." says Adam, "Eve and I have named every creature You came up with and there's nothing left to do."

God looks puzzled. "Adam, my son - Did I not tell you about sex?"

"No, Father. What's that?" God smiles a beautiful smile, puts His arm around His precious child and begins to earnestly speak to him about all things carnal. About 30 minutes later, Adam, with a light in his eyes, grabs Eve and takes off with her to a comfy, grassy hill.

3 DAYS LATER......

God Almighty shows up in the Garden, looking around for His First Children. He spies Adam, crawling on his belly, panting and exhausted - but with a smile on his face that just won't quit.

"Adam, My Son??" God inquires.

"Oh Father!!!! It was all that You said and so much more!!!!"

"Tell me, My Son.....Where's Eve?"

"Oh, she's down at the river cleaning up before I can catch her again!!!"

God slaps his and and in an anguished cry states, "Oh DAMN, Adam!! I'll NEVER get the smell OUT of the Fish!!!!"




Kyoti

Fat guy and super fit guy in the gym shower after working out:
Fat guy: Man your in shape, I wish I was that fit, my gut is so big I can't even see my dick.
In shape guy: Do you work out often?
Fat guy: Yes, every day
In shape guy: Maybe you should diet?

Fatguy: Dye it? What the Frig color is it now?

Adam and Eve are lounging in the Garden of Eden, enjoying the day when God happens along with his bag of "things" to give them. He says "I have another couple of things to hand out then you will both be perfect...let me see, which is this...oh! standing up to pee...who would like that?" Of course Adam was all over that one...had to have it...said it HAD to be for him and that Eve could have the last thing but he absolutely needed to pee standing up. God looked at Eve who just rolled her eyes and said "Fine...please, let him have that or we will never hear the end of it!" so God gave Adam the ability to pee standing up and he ran around peeing on every tree he could find. Then God reached back into his goody bag and said "There is one more thing here, Eve and it is all yours...multiple orgasms."

A guy walks into a bar. Down at the end of the bar, a horse is standing. Next to the horse is a Mason jar full of cash. The guy asks the bartender what's going on and the bartender replies,

"That jar of money is for anyone who can make the horse laugh."

So the guy walks over and whispers into the horse's ear. The horse busts out laughing. The guy picks up the jar of money and walks out.

Two weeks go by and the same guy returns to the same bar. The same horse is there with another jar of money on the bar. the guy asks the bartender what the story is today and the bartender replies.

"That jar of money is for anyone who can make the horse cry."

"Well, I can make him cry, but I'll have to lead him into the back room for a minute or two.", the guy answers.

The bartender says OK and the guy leads the horse into the back room and shuts the curtain. After about two minutes or so, the curtain opens and the guy leads the horse out. The horse is just bawling up a storm, crying his eyes out. The guy picks up the jar of money and starts to leave when the bartender stops him.

"Now two weeks ago you were in here and made the horse laugh. Today you made the horse cry. How did you do it?", the bartender asked.

The guy replied,

"Well, two weeks ago, I told the horse, "My dick is bigger than yours." Today, I showed him."

okay smart azz...LOL

For anyone going to the convention...

Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way." At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."


A Chinese man gets married. His wife is a virgin. Truth be told, he is not all that experienced either.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - anyting you want. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want try somesing I hear about...Numbah 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks..."You want... beef wiff broccori?!"*


The blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons. He knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I need enough to fill up my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No. Just up to my boobs."


A very tired husband came home from the office after a long grueling day to find his wife in her sexiest nightgown waiting for him at the door with a couple of glasses of wine in hand.

She took his briefcase from him and led him over to the couch where she proceeded to help make him "more comfortable."

"How should we do it tonight, honey?" she cooed in his ear, "Shall we do 69?"

"I don't think so dear. I'm pretty tired. How about 68?" he said.

"Huh, 68? What's 68?" she asked, a little puzzled.

"You do me, and I'll owe you one."

OK. This is Janet's Uncle Lenny's favorite joke.

Three good friends die and go to heaven. Saint Peter stops them at the gate and says he has only one question they have to answer before letting them in,

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The first guy said, "Every chance I got."

So Peter replied, "OK. you get to go around Heaven on roller skates.", and handed him a pair of skates.

The second guy replied, "Only once in a great while."

So Peter answered, "Well, all right. You get to ride around Heaven on a bicycle.", and gave him a bicycle.

The third guy said, "Never in my life!"

Peter said, "Great! You get to drive around Heaven in a Cadillac!", and handed him the keys to the car.

So the three friends all piled into the car with their stuff and drove off into Heaven. After a while the first guy said to the third guy,

"Wait a minute. Isn't that your wife over there on roller skates?"

There are some good ones here, but so far this is my favorite!

Figures...

did you hear this one?

A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man "I can't believe what I'm seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!!" The man replied "Nah lady this cats not clever at all I'm beating it 6 games to 1"

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

What did one ovary say to the other ovary ? .......It must be raining outside, everybody's coming in with their rubbers on.

Conjoined Canadian Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, hire a car. and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country ... the history, the beer, the culture...."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

I ended up with an older woman at a joint last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever had a 'Sportsman's Double?'. I asked 'What's that?'. She said 'It's a mother and daughter threesome. 'I said 'Oh, no I haven't.'My mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. < /SPAN>We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mom, You still awake?'

Subject: Italian mentality!



A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian from New York fumed, 'Yo! What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'!!!

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Excuse me, Sir! Said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters Union in honor of these brave souls'!!


The Italian from New York said, 'Why can't they fucking play at night?'

Q: Why can't a blonde get a drivers license?
A: Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she jumps in the back seat.

A guy walks into a hospital emergency room with his face bloodied to a pulp, looking like so much hamburger. The doctor there, in a horrified tone of voice, asks him,

"My God, Man! What happened to you?"

The guy replies, "Oh, I got into a fight with my wife. I called her a two-bit whore and she hit me."

The doctor answers, "Jesus! What did she hit you with?"

The guy replies, "A sack full of quarters."

<Man leans in close to his buddy at dinner>

"Some fine blind date you set me up with....Not only is she really blind, she's got only six teeth, no sense of humor, and she smells like mothballs!"

"You don't have to whisper, dude. She's deaf, too."

A man runs into a bar... the other one ducks!

I heard they've now combined these two agenda items into one... you, know.... due to the fact that Ronnie actually was Jesus...

Q: Why does John McCain support No Child Left Behind?

A: It doesn't include his ex-wife.

Fixin Things> > > Maw is outside hangin up the laundry,> > when she hears Paw in the kitchen.> > > Maw walks in and says,> > "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."> > > Paw says,> > "All right, Maw."> > > Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and> > says,> > "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here> > outhouse!"> > > Maw says,> > "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."> > > Paw says> > "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"> > > Maw says,> > "Well you're gonna have to if'n you'ra gonna fix> > the problem!> > > Paw puts his head down in the hole> > (Just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers,> > "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here> > outhouse!"> > > Maw hollers,> > "Now pull your head out of the hole."> > > Paw goes to lift up his head and he says,> > "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks> > in the seat!"> > > Maw says,> > "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain piggy, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink piggy. "I mean, what the heck is this?"



The bank manager looks back at her and says:


"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"

Oh, Mr. Peabody...that's terrible.

Thank you!!!
now for another.

Tap Duncan's horse had TWINS. Tap had a hard time telling the twins apart.

Rottmom suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.
It tore just right and looked exactly like the otherhorse's tail and our friend, TAP, was stuck again.

X-Ray-Spexs suggested Tap notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence and cut the same ear in the same spot just like the one he had notched.

Once again our friend, TAP couldn't tell them apart.

Then Randi Rhodes suggested he measure the horses for height.

When Tap did, he was very pleased to find that the brown horse was 2 inches taller than the gray horse.

LILA---ROFL at your brutality!!! Well played miss, well played. I wil now look into my extensive file of jokes and get back at, er, to ya!!! I have two encyclopedias of stolen jokes, so it might be a while...

Here is one i stole!

Subject: Viagra Generic DrugIn pharmacology all drugs have generic names.

Tylenol is Acetaminophen.
Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA is looking for a generic name for Viagra
and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafailin.

Other names considered were:
Mycoxafloppin,
Mydixadrupin,
Mycoxnoworkin
and Mydixarizen.

Top ten Slogans being considered by Viagra.
10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, Tastes great!........., More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis.........This is your penis on drugs.

My penis works just fine on drugs, not so well on Doug's!!! Hey look I made a funny!!!

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.Five minutes later...."Da-ad....""What?"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?""No. You had your chance. Lights out."Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad.....""WHAT?""I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??""I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad.....""WHAT!""When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

One day the Grandpa McCain was reading the story of Chicken Little to his grandkids.

He came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

He read, "... . and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

Then he paused then asked the grandkids, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

His grand son said....... "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

OK, this one's kind of dirty but it's really funny. This is a story joke.


A man with a 25 inch member goes to the doctor and asks if he can have penis reduction, but the doctor can't help him.
"Please doc, women are horrified. There's got do be something I can do."
"There's nothing medical science can do, but there is a witch that lives on the edge of the forest - why don't you go speak to her?"

In an old shack, the man speaks to the witch who also is confounded. She begins to explain that she can't help him either, then her eyes light up.
"There is a wood nymph deep in the forest who might be able to help you," The witch explains. "You must be careful though."
"I'll try anything," The man says.
"This nymph, I've heard it said will cause a man to lose 5 inches from his member if he proposes marriage to her and she rejects it," The witch explains.

The next day the man finds the beautiful nymph and immediately proposes marriage to her.
"No," the nymph replies.
The man looks into his trousers, and notices that he's down to 20 inches. "It's working," He asks the nymph again. "Will you please mary me?"
"Again, no," The nymph replies.
After checking his trousers again, the man thinks 'One more time, 10 inches is perfect.'
"Will you please marry me, lady nymph."
The nymph then gets a little angry. "I already told you - No, no, no."

Okay stop me if you've heard this one...

*/Strange Dear Abby Letter /*
>
> */ /*
>
> */ /*
>
> */ /*
>
> */Dear Abby,/*
>
> */ /*
>
> */I'm a crack dealer in /*Beaumont , Texas, recently diagnosed as a
> carrier of HIV virus.
>
> */One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a
> transvestite./*
>
> */My parents live in /*Fort Worth. They were recently arrested for
> growing and selling marijuana.
>
> */They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are
> prostitutes in /*Dallas .
>
> */ /*
>
> */I have two brothers - one is currently serving a life sentence at
> /*Huntsville for the 1994 murder of a teenage boy;
>
> */my other brother's currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual
> misconduct with his three children. /*
>
> */ /*
>
> */I've recently become engaged to a former prostitute who lives in
> /*Longview.
>
> */She is a part time 'working girl'./*
>
> */ /*
>
> */All things considered, my problem is this - /*
>
> */I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the
> family. /*
>
> */I want to be totally open and honest with her./*
>
> */ /*
>
> */Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for
> President?/*
>
> */ /*
>
> */Signed,/*
>
> */Worried About My Reputation/*
>

GREAT MARKETING SCREW-UPS
1. Coors put it's slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where itwas read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following inan American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germanonly to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many peoplehad use for the "manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used thesame packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on thelabel. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely putpictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name ofa notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanishmarket which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated intoChinese Pepsi "brings your ancestors back from the grave."

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make atender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an arousedman to make a chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as"Ke-kou-ke-la,"meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "Female horse stuffedwith wax,"depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000characters tofind a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into"happiness in the mouth."

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, it's adswere supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket andembarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word"embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

George Bush is overweight, so his doctor puts him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two
weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When George returns, he's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

George nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead
that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from all that skipping."

Okay, ya'll like em a little on the dirty side, eh?
Here is an oldy but a "goody"

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on thecouch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to bein and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio ofhis baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in down town London."

"Oh my god!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?".

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??," Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. "Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted !!"

Fucking priceless Lila!!!!

Keep 'em cumming!!! "er, coming!!! Look another funny!!! yeeeeha

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, She replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.' The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.' But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died. 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

A newly-minted Peace Corps volunteer arrives at his destination, an African village, to a tumultuous welcome from the villagers. The Chief and the village elders hustle him over to a newly-made stage so he can give a speech. Surprised and flustered by the hubub, the volunteer ascends the stage and begins speaking.

"My friends, I have come here on a long journey from a far land to dwell and work with you all!"

The villagers respond with a resounding cheer of, "Huzzanga!"

Encouraged, the volunteer continues.

"I have traveled this distance so that I may help improve the lives of this village and all it's people!"

Again, and even louder cry of, "Huzzanga!" issues forth from the villagers. Pleased by this, he continues.

"I have done this so that we may work together to increase prosperity and make a better life for all of you!"

Once more, he is interrupted by a still-louder cry of, "Huzzanga!", Very pleased with his speech's apparent effect, the volunteer gets even more wound up.

"But I cannot do this job alone. I need your faith, your sweat, your work and your help to make this village a model for other people in other villages throughout this land! So, let us go forward, hand-in-hand, to make this village a prosperous one and an example for others to follow!"

These remarks bring the loudest response of all, a thundering cry of, "Huzzanga!", that echoes off the surrounding hills.

Pleased with his speech, the volunteer descends from the stage and walks through the village with the Chief. Noticing a breed of cattle they have there unlike any he had previously seen, he asks the Chief if he can take a closer look at them.

The Chief replies,

"OK. But be careful. Don't step in the Huzzanga."

Caution, blond joke ahead

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

I just learned, yesterday, that President Bush's middle names are Herbert and Walker. All this time the guys at the pool hall have been telling me they were Moe and Ron.

Roy Rogers was living out on his Apple Valley Ranch years ago. He had just bought and broke in a particularly comfortable pair of boots and was riding Trigger up on the rim rock one day. Out of nowhere, a mountain lion leaped from a nearby rock overhang, knocked Roy off of Trigger and proceeded to attack Roy's new boots. After reducing Roy's footwear to shreds in mere seconds, the cougar scampered off, leaving a dazed, barefoot and otherwise unharmed Roy lying on the ground.

Heartbroken, Roy climbed aboard Trigger and rode back into the ranch. Over the next couple of days, Roy brooded about it until Dale started to worry. Finally, after three days, Roy saddled up Trigger once more, threw the Winchester in the saddle boot and rode off up to the rimrock with the dawn's light. After a while she heard a rifle shot echo off the hills. About two hours later, Dale spied Roy and Trigger cantering into the corral with the big cat slung over the saddle. Dale ran out the back door and yelled,

Pardon me Roy. Is that the Cat that chewed the New Shoes?

A Republican lady went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards."What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the lady. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."